Why Most People Don’t Want To Take On Bullies

Why Most People Don’t Want To Take On Bullies

Bullying is a big issue in the workplace, amongst professionals and within professional training programs and associations and lots of other areas of our lives. Our earliest experiences of bullying usually occurs at home or at school.

What’s fascinating is the reluctance of people to take on a bully, regardless of their title, education, professional standing and level of power that they hold in the workplace, or in society.


Because bullying usually triggers limbic brain flight or freeze (and rarely fight) responses. It instantly takes people to earlier memories of being bullied themselves.

So instead of taking on the bully and immediately sorting it out, they revert to head in the sand “ostrich syndrome”, hoping the problem will just go away.

It’s because of the way our brains have evolved. In evolutionary terms, the reflective part of our brain that can look at things more objectively is the most recent part of our brain to have evolved. So it’s the most vulnerable. It’s the first area of our brain to get shut down and compromised when the more primitive, hard-wired and reactive fight, flight or freeze parts take over when triggered by a perceived danger or threat. These primitive parts of our brain are ancient, hard-wired and much faster at processing information because their sole function is to keep you alive and away from danger and threat.

Bullies work by traumatizing their prey. It’s how they’ve been wired neurologically and in their nervous system to deal with conflict, set backs, and feelings like envy, inferiority and frustration. Because most bullies come from a background of trauma and abuse, having been bullied themselves – whether at home or school.

Narcissism lies at the core of serial bullies, with a glaring inability to see anyone other than themselves.

Bullies expect other people to behave according to their rules and view of the world. They have an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement and become enraged when other people don’t meet their demands, or say “No” to them.

And because of the way our brains are designed, when bullied, most people freeze in their responses and thinking, being taken instantly back to earlier memories of being bullied or disempowered as a child, unable to draw on the more reflective, objective and solution-focused parts of their brain.

How Bullying Plays Out In The Workplace

Here are 3 classic examples of how bullies operate at work:

  1. Bullies hate other people putting forward ideas or approaches that don’t align with their agendas or power plays. When someone puts forward a different approach, the bully then looks for ways to retaliate. Usually finding ways to publicly criticise and put this person down in front of their superiors, colleagues, or peers – verbally or via email. Bullies thrive on smear campaigns as a means of restoring their wounded egos and view of how other people should treat them and behave.
  2. Bullies see someone else with more talent as a major threat. It triggers issues around their own self worth and puffed up sense of importance and entitlement. This often snowballs into acts of destructive envy. The bully sets out to pull this person down by undermining, bullying and spreading malicious gossip about them behind their back.
  3. Bullies are divisive and manipulative. They set out to enlist weaker personalities so that they can play a numbers game to further intimidate and alienate their target. Because bullies rely on external validation for their sense of self and self-esteem, they need “supporters” and “enablers” in order to thrive.

7 Ways To Spot A Serial Bully

7 ways to spot a serial bully

Image by Viktor Hanacek

Serial bullies have a distinct behavioural profile and modus operandi. Most people don’t even know what this is. Knowing how to identify a bully’s behavioural patterns helps you to be able to deal with them from an empowered position by getting support and setting appropriate boundaries. Here are 7 ways to spot a serial bully at work, in groups, or in your relationships:

  1. One of the first warning signs that a bully is in your sphere is the conspicuous repetitive trail of stories of drama, run-ins and disputes with other people and organisations. They either tell you this directly, or you’re alerted to this by other people. You need to stop and mentally flag this before you proceed any further in your dealings with them. Avoid joining “their club”.
  2. Bullies are highly narcissistic so when they’re directly confronted over their behaviour, they refuse to see or own their role in events. Rather than being accountable, they’ll duck and weave around the truth and twist events so that they’re seen as the victim. Because with bullies it’s always someone else’s fault. But the common denominator in all of their stories and dramas is “them”.
  3. Bullies try to strip you down, shame, defame and humiliate you in private and often in front of others, the wider the audience the better.
  4. Bullies resort to strong-arm tactics to intimidate. They’ll even threaten physical violence if you don’t agree to their demands.
  5. Bullies torment their prey by stalking in person, by phone, or cyber stalking (all criminal offences) or by sending personally attacking emails in an attempt to further intimidate and persecute.
  6. Empathy is not in the skill set of bullies. They have little to no capacity for self-insight.
  7. It’s impossible to reason with a bully in a logical and rational way, because they’ll always try and draw you and others into their “story” and version of events.

I’ve seen bullying across a lot of different situations, both when coaching private clients and in the workplace. I’ve also experienced it in action in professional training programs and associations and like most people, bullying was a playground dynamic at school. Repeatedly in all of these situations, no one was prepared to take on the bully head-on.

Most people in the workplace, including those in roles of influence, often just hope the bully will one day disappear and go and annoy someone else. The bully is the “hot potato” problem that everyone just wants to pass on.

But every time a bully isn’t taken on, people are silently colluding and enabling them. Passing them on to other unsuspecting people and organisations.

Taking On A Bully

taking on a bully

Image by Joshua Earle

Only once in my career as a change consultant have I ever seen a bully in the workplace taken on immediately and directly. It was refreshing and inspiring to see. My client at the time, a senior level executive, had a member of his team bullied by someone else in the organisation.

This time the bully had picked the wrong person.

My client had no qualms about going straight to the bully and drawing a clear line in the sand. He was physically fit, confident and quite at home dealing with bullies. He was able to think clearly, objectively and therefore take quick, correct action. The problem was immediately addressed and not left to fester and it was back to business as usual. The bully had been put back in his place. There were no future attempts to bully anyone on this person’s team.

Unfortunately this is not the norm with serial bullies. Organisations are usually slow to respond, particularly if the person concerned is considered to be a major “rain-maker”. Things usually hit crisis point before correct action is followed.

I believe that a big part of the problem is that most people aren’t familiar with the behavioural patterns of serial bullies. Unless you grew up street-wise and with rat-like cunning.

I hope you now you have a clearer picture as to what a serial bully looks like in action. It’s important that you know that being bullied isn’t something you should be trying to deal with privately on your own. Because most likely you’re one in a long line of many others that this bully has tried to intimidate. Just knowing this fact alone can be a valuable reality-check and re-empower you to take appropriate action. Always seek help if you or someone you know is being harassed by a bully. Bullying is not something to try and resolve on your own.

Copyright © 2015 Janelle Legge

Title Image by Samuel Zeller

Narcissism in Business: Are Poor Customer Relationship Skills Robbing Your Business?

Narcissism in Business: Are Poor Customer Relationship Skills Robbing Your Business?

There’s a lot that’s been written about narcissistic business leaders – including how driven, focused and successful they can be – up to a point. But recently I’ve noticed a trend of narcissistic-styled approaches at the Customer Service level in smaller sized businesses. By narcissistic-styled, what I’m referring to here is a lack of interpersonal awareness and skills when dealing with customers, in particular, around empathy.

While a narcissistic CEO or chief “rain-maker” of a large corporation may be able to pull this off, narcissistic-styled, “me-centric” behaviour at the customer service level in a small to medium sized business is a total liability.

When it comes to the customer service area of business, hire for attitude first, then skills is key.

Here is what I experienced the other week when I travelled interstate and encountered a stuff-up that had occurred within a car hire company’s processes:

1. Rigid, fixed thinking and views about ‘how things should be done’.
2. Focusing on problems, not solutions – no attempt to solve the issue.
3. Black and white, concrete thinking. No mental flexibility or agility.
4. Dumping the problem back onto the customer.
5. A lack of empathy and recognition of normal human emotions in other people, such as frustration and exasperation, over the stuff-up. There wasn’t even a glimmer of trying to imagine themselves in the customer’s shoes. Active Listening Skills 101: listen, understand, clarify, and then move forward – were nowhere to be seen.

The overarching fundamental theme to all this seemed to be a lack of understanding around what makes people tick. It was a “me-centric”, narcissistic-styled “I don’t have to listen to you” approach.


This style of approach is customer relationship kryptonite and guarantees no repeat business.


Successful multinationals, like Virgin, totally get how important customer relationship management is for their business and brand. Yet smaller to medium sized companies sometimes skimp on investing in core customer relationship skills training, focusing instead on processes and systems above everything else which is a big oversight. Because when stuff-ups occur within business systems or processes that aren’t quickly resolved, the solution from the customer’s perspective is quite straight forward. There’s no repeat business. Simple. And then there’s the viral word of mouth. When negative customer experiences occur, most people tell just about everyone they know.

So What Can You Do About It?


How do you appreciate the nature and scale of the problem? In the situation that occurred the other week, when it was clear I was being blocked, I spoke with the manager who immediately got things sorted. Management were in fact great, they were solution focused, friendly and switched on. So the gap and brand-disconnect was occurring at the customer service level of the business. Had I dealt with the manager in the first place, the issue would have never even arose.

Customers won’t always take the time to give you feedback, they’ll just walk away when stuff-ups occur that don’t get sorted at the customer service level, or higher up.

Here are 3 things you can do to avoid this problem jeopardizing your business and brand:

1. Provide Active Listening, Interpersonal Skills and Customer Relationship Training. It’s a must.
2. Be clear around your company’s expectations on Customer Relationship Management so that everyone delivers a consistent brand experience.
3. Invest in on-going people development to help your people succeed and grow, including support for new staff to ensure they are on the right track. Don’t just focus on systems and processes, as important as they are, and leave out the people side of things.

Sometimes, all of this is still not enough. All the amount of training in the world would not have shifted this person’s attitude and lack of interpersonal skills. It can take enormous amounts of time and effort, with little progress to show, trying to change someone’s behaviour who’s simply not suited for a particular kind of role, for a whole range of reasons. If that’s the case, then it’s knowing when to recognize this, find them a more suitable role, or look at other options. Some personality types are simply just not suited to customer service roles and if you don’t identify this from the get-go it will cost you.

Because business is about people. And how well, or not, you respond to your customers has a huge impact on the success of your business and brand. This is true for all businesses, whether they are small or large.


Image by Rayi Christian Wicaksono



Why Living With Purpose Is A Vital Strategy For Success In Business And Life Today

Why Living With Purpose Is A Vital Strategy For Success In Business And Life Today

Becoming purpose-led is high on the radar for businesses that want to survive and thrive in an increasingly complex world. Why? Because smart people in business know that sustainable business growth, talent retention and achievement of strategic goals relies on having purpose, meaning, and enduring motivation. At the end of the day, bottom line results depend on how engaged your people and customers are.

Salary alone is not the top driver for ambitious, talented people who want to have a positive impact in the world. Eventually, top performers seek out other opportunities if there is a disconnect between the organization’s purpose, values and goals and their own. I’ve seen this happen time and time again as a consultant and executive coach.

In a rapidly changing world and constantly changing business landscape, being purpose-led is becoming more and more essential. It’s what makes everyone prepared to go over and beyond in order to achieve meaningful and compelling visions and goals. It’s an inner and shared-collective-group orientation that breeds certainty and confidence, rather than constantly looking over your shoulder to see what the competition is doing.


Purpose driven, constructive cultures lead to the attainment of an organisation’s mission and positively correlate with desirable organisational outcomes, such as, high staff and customer satisfaction, sales growth, profitability and shareholder value (Cooke and Szumal 2000).


So if organisations are beginning to realize that having a shared purpose is what powerfully guides and positively impacts the achievement of its goals and success, why is it that people often don’t have a clear purpose in their own lives?

Exactly the same purpose-led principles can be applied to achieve your own goals, and have fulfilment and success in the areas of life that matter the most to you.

I’ve seen clients over the years who appeared successful and together on the outside, yet inwardly doubted themselves and under-valued what they were doing in the world. Because they weren’t clear on their purpose and were still questioning why they were here, and what they were meant to be doing with their life. Helping them figure out their purpose gave them the self confidence to go for bigger goals and accelerated their success across a whole range of areas.

Living with purpose, knowing you’re on the right path in your life and work, is not a new trend or phenomenon at all. It’s something that’s been seen as essential to living a meaningful and well-lived life by philosophers and spiritual traditions since ancient times. It’s been central to my work over the last 16 years. Now businesses are increasingly seeing the value of being purpose-led, particularly with the success of brands like Virgin. It’s having a shared collective purpose that inspires everyone to go beyond what’s required to achieve meaningful goals. The improvement in people engagement and staff satisfaction levels, business results and organizational culture show that it works.

On a personal level, having a  clear purpose is energizing and inspiring. It encourages you to be more creative and resourceful and it’s good for your wellbeing. You’re able to stop doing the things that waste your time and take you off track. Being purpose-led gives you a more zen-like focus and brings you more inner peace and cohesion.


living with purpose

Image by Joschko Hammermann


Knowing your purpose gives you a roadmap, a strategy and a meaningful plan in life and in business.

Title image by Kalen Emsley




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