Do your personal boundaries need some love and attention? Clear boundaries are essential to getting your needs met and being able to create a life that you love.
When you’re not clear on your boundaries then you don’t draw a line in the sand that lets other people know what’s ok and what’s not ok for you. Instead, you’re too focused on pleasing everyone else.
Unclear boundaries leave you feeling frustrated and disappointed with your relationships and life, and vulnerable to other people’s power plays.
But it doesn’t have to be this way.
3 Most Common Causes Of Weak Boundaries
1. You have a deep need to be loved and liked
This is one of the most common wounds for women. If you have this core need then you were taught from an early age that the easiest way to get love and approval was to be a good girl and put other’s needs before your own.
These experiences shape your subconscious beliefs around how to get love and approval. When this is one of your primary subconscious default programs, you find yourself automatically putting other people’s wants and needs above your own.
2. You’re fearful of conflict
Our ability and comfort levels for dealing, or not dealing with, conflict are shaped during childhood. If you’re afraid of conflict you may have grown up around reactive hot-heads, or passive-aggressive-avoidant communication styles. You made a decision to avoid conflict at all costs because you experienced first-hand the pain and negative outcomes that come with these styles of relating.
But there’s a cost to this. You don’t have a voice and you don’t put your own ideas forward because you’re afraid to rock the boat, or set limits with others, in case they disagree or get angry with you.
3. Your Self-esteem and Self-worth are based on other people’s opinions
This is one of the most debilitating and damaging subconscious beliefs women can struggle with. It leads to the ‘false self’ syndrome and keeps your authentic Self undeveloped and fragile. If you’re constantly scanning your external environment for feedback and validation so you can feel ok about yourself and of value, then it’s difficult to create the boundaries that come with a strong core self.
This leaves you vulnerable because the minute you encounter rejection, criticism or a lack of validation, your self-esteem falls in a heap.
If you don’t know who you are, what you want, and what you stand for – the essential building blocks of boundary setting – you’re leaving yourself vulnerable to other people’s agendas.
If you’re wanting stronger boundaries and can relate to 1 or maybe all 3 of these areas, then that’s good news. Because now you can make new choices. Pick one thing that you can start focusing on from today to strengthen your boundaries. If this feels too hard to do on your own, find a professional who can help you identify your boundary blind spots and change them so you can have the life and relationships you deserve.
Janelle Legge is a Psychotherapist, Leadership, Mindfulness and Wellbeing Consultant and Coach who specialises in Relationships, Career Success, Work-Life Integration and Wellbeing. Janelle has a limited number of spaces available each month for in person consults in Sydney. For enquiries including fees and scheduling, click here and Janelle will be happy to answer all your questions. You do not need a referral from your Doctor to book an appointment with Janelle.
Janelle also works with clients around the world via Skype. To book a skype session with Janelle click here.