by Janelle Legge | Sep 16, 2017 | Self Image
There’s nothing that will keep you from stepping into your greatness, reaching your potential and pursuing your passions without feeling guilty than taking on other people’s negative stuff.
When you’re falling short from going for what you want and getting it – it’s often because your self image was distorted growing up around self absorbed narcissistic or addictive personality types who projected their emotional baggage onto you. Making it difficult if not impossible to get a clear sense of who YOU really are and what you really want.
And until you understand the origins of what shaped your blurry and distorted self image and how it’s continuing to impact you in the present, you won’t be able to shift this faulty self-image and start getting what you really want in life. It won’t matter how many positive affirmations you say each day or how many coaching and success courses you undertake, you still won’t have a clear sense of who you are because you’ll still be subconsciously seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes.
So let’s take a look at some of the most common ways that growing up around narcissistic or addictive personality types negatively impacts your self image and undermines your self confidence and self belief so that you can get the insights you need to release your past and step into your future self:
5 Toxic Behaviours That Damage Your Self Image And Self Worth Growing Up
- You’re forced into a prescribed role as the confidante / good listener / problem solver for the narcissistic / addictive personality parent. You’re basically a parentified child. You learn to dutifully and stoically listen to all of their problems, hurts, perceived slights and frustrations. You’re basically a garbage dump for all of their emotional baggage and they feel so much better after energetically dumping all over you. But you’re then left with a frazzled nervous system and all of their angst still inside of you which takes you up to 48 hours or more to detox from your system and psyche so that you can recalibrate and get your own equilibrium back.
- You’re scapegoated, ridiculed and talked about behind your back when you don’t comply with their view of the world and how they expect you to behave. When they don’t want to hear what you have to say because they’re not needing to siphon off you emotionally, they dismiss and rubbish your opinions or advice. Putting you back where you belong in their version of the family hierarchy. Because you’re never allowed to step out of your prescribed role.
- If you’re not making them feel special and making a fuss when they expect it, you cop it. They tantrum, they cry and they tell ANYONE who’ll listen. And – you’ll keep hearing about this major disappointment for months, sometimes years after the event.
- When you’re sick or needing a bit of empathy yourself it’s nowhere to be seen because they’re not capable of tuning into anyone else’s world and needs.
- Your accomplishments are never acknowledged or celebrated unless they benefit them in some way. Your achievements are basically ignored or minimized. Because the focus always needs to be on them. Ultimately your achievements and personal evolution are seen as perceived threats to the family hierarchy that they’ve spent years shaping to suit their needs. And if the rest of the family is dysfunctional and in sync with them, they’ll see you through a similar lens. Meaning they won’t give you recognition for who you really are and will show little to no interest in your dreams, your ambitions and anything that you achieve. Particularly if you’ve chosen a path that’s different to them.
So if you’re serious about reaching your fullest potential and being the architect and builder of your own life, it’s time to release what no longer serves you {without loads of judgement and blame which lowers your vibration and keeps you stuck in a victim, done-to mode}.
You’re no longer under their spell. Right.
And if you’ve already made the life-and-destiny-changing decision to invest in your own personal growth so that your past is not determining your future life, you already know that it’s not a smooth seamless linear 6 step or 6 session process. Because that’s not how real change works. Some days you forge ahead and are impervious to any attempts to drag you back into old relational dynamics from your past, and other days you’re caught off guard and momentarily relapse. But each time you catch yourself doing this it makes you more self-aware, so it starts to happen less and less.
Lasting change is about believing in yourself and consistently backing yourself and your dreams. And not everyone’s going to like this. At times you will get a stroppy backlash because the people who are invested in you NOT changing just won’t like it. But that’s just part of the change terrain, particularly when it involves rigid unconscious family dynamics. Give other’s permission to be where they’re at, knowing that you’re looking after yourself and surrounding yourself with people that ‘get’ who you are, want you to succeed, and have the expertise and tools to help you become the person you’re meant to be.
If you don’t break these patterns they’ll get replicated in your business, your career, your relationships and other areas of your life where you’ll find yourself experiencing the same patterns again and again. You won’t make the money you deserve. You’ll keep self-sabotaging opportunities to step fully into your zone of genius and you’ll keep defaulting to people pleasing and putting everyone else’s wants and self-serving needs before your own, often without even knowing that you’re doing it. You’ll be trying to succeed based on a faulty, negative self-image that will vibe to others ‘low self-confidence and low self-regard’ no matter how polished and perfect you look on the outside.
Success is always first and foremost an inside job. Your self image is constantly shaping and determining the results that you get, whether you like it or not. High self-worth, healthy positive self-regard and self-belief are essential for reaching YOUR GREATEST POTENTIAL and fully stepping into what you’re been sent here to do.
by Janelle Legge | Jul 15, 2017 | Self Actualization
One of the stand out traits of successful people is having the self-confidence and self-belief that you can shape your environment so that it supports you and works for you.
Knowing you can influence your environment in positive ways is one of the top self actualizing mindsets that leads to personal fulfilment and career and life success.
You’re also able to better empower others and support their success.
Feeling powerless to change your environment and circumstances comes from your past. It’s usually an indicator that you’re holding onto old beliefs around fear, security and power that you absorbed growing up.
If you’re not feeling satisfied with your life, your work or your environment, then do something to change it.
Self actualizing mindsets and behaviours are key to positive change and feeling capable and confident in the world.
Believe in your potential to grow. Try something new each day.
The fastest way to shift your self image and build self confidence is through real life experiences that empower you and show you what you’re capable of achieving.
by Janelle Legge | Jul 8, 2017 | How to achieve real change
Real change is hard to achieve and sustain. As a consultant and coach, I regularly hear people beating up on themselves for falling short when it comes to achieving long-term sustainable positive change. I think we’ve all done this at different times! Because most of us know first-hand that real change is hard.
The good news is we’re all capable of change and making it last – when we get out of our own way and ask for help.
That’s when our mindset, habits and beliefs can genuinely shift. It’s actually misguided, faulty thinking to believe we can change long-term engrained beliefs and habits on our own in isolation.
Taking the step to ask for help is always a turning point and game changer when it comes to personal transformation.
Just being aware that lapsing back into old, unproductive habits is part of being human and how our brains are wired is powerful in itself. A huge percentage of our daily actions and thoughts are driven by the unconscious automatic parts of our brain that regularly override the new thoughts, beliefs and habits we’re trying to instil. It takes time and sustained effort to become aware of what’s driving us on a more subconscious level and then change it.
One of the most well-known executive coaches in the world Marshall Goldsmith has found that it takes around 18 months for real change to occur in adults (and we’re talking about high-performing business people here) because whenever we decide to change, life has a way of intervening. Change is never a clear, uninterrupted and linear process. There are always disruptions along the way so you need to be adaptable, flexible and committed to the process.
I’ve also found that clients willing to commit to 12 months and beyond achieve far more lasting change than those who expect a silver bullet 6 week approach to change beliefs and behaviours they’ve spent the last 30+ years wiring into their brains and nervous systems on a daily basis.
Real change takes time. We often lose sight of this fact because there’s so much hype on the internet around passion and purpose and quick fix promises to success and happiness. There’s not nearly enough reality-check information around how to sustain your energy, focus and commitment when you’re feeling tired, depleted and out-of-love with your purpose and new goals. Because that’s the kind of terrain that real change involves.
So be kind and patient with yourself and ask for the support you need. Set yourself up for success. Don’t try and do it all on your own.
by Janelle Legge | Jun 8, 2017 | Advanced Communication Skills |
Good communication skills are vital to feeling competent and effective at work. Often though you don’t get the support you need to improve your communication skills until you start to repeatedly hit some invisible barriers to getting your thinking and ideas across effectively in meetings and situations where it really counts. It’s something that a lot of people can struggle with, particularly early on in their career, until they learn how to improve their default communication style.
Here’s a common workplace scenario when you haven’t honed your communication skills:
You’re in a meeting and everyone’s talking about a particular issue and it’s now your turn to contribute. You start talking, but it’s as if they haven’t heard a thing that you’ve said. So you sit there feeling ignored, dismissed and devalued. A few minutes later you try again. But now you’re feeling frustrated and a bit anxious and use far too many words, over-explaining. Confusing yourself and everyone else. Eventually you lose your train of thought because no one’s responding in a positive way and someone else starts talking over you.
Is this something you’ve experienced? If it is, then you know how frustrating it can be. Particularly when your ideas are ignored and someone else says exactly the same thing, but in a different way and everyone takes their ideas on board. It’s one of those “WT# just happened then?” type moments – until you become aware of what’s going on and how to fix it.
If you’re finding people tune out and don’t engage with you the way you want, below are 4 effective ways you can improve your communication skills so that you’re able to get your ideas across more effectively and with greater impact:
# 1 Listen First
This is Communication Skills 101. Often when you’re not being heard, it’s because you’re not first taking the time to listen closely to what others are saying. Seek first to understand before trying to be understood. Take the time to tap into other people’s agendas, priorities and what’s most important to them first, before putting forward your ideas or solutions. Each time you find yourself jumping ahead in your mind or tuning off, pull your focus back to listening fully to what the other person is saying. Stay present.
# 2 Make It Simple
Being able to make the complex simple is a highly valued and sought after skill in business today. Take time before a meeting to organize your thinking and ground yourself. Stick to an executive summary, plain English style of communication where you can quickly cut to the chase and get your key points across.
#3 Pause
Learn the power of the pause. Get comfortable with the silence and spaces in between what’s being said. Pausing for a few seconds after you make each point adds more emphasis to what you’re saying. It also gives people time to take in your ideas, digest them and then respond. Start with pausing for just a few seconds at first, which will probably feel like minutes. Then build up from there.
# 4 Read The Non-Verbals
Often when there’s a communication disconnect it’s because you haven’t correctly read the vibe of the group or the political power plays. I’ve heard so many technically brilliant people say that they’re just not interested in playing politics in the workplace. This can be dangerous and potentially derail your career. To succeed and look after yourself in any kind of group you have to be savvy to what’s going on and know how to navigate through these more invisible terrains. You need to learn how to read what’s going on in the room and how to respond.
Taking time to learn more effective communication skills pays off in all areas of your life. Because if you’re having communication issues at work, then it’s highly likely you’re also having them at home and in other areas of your life.
by Janelle Legge | Feb 2, 2016 | Self Actualization |
If you’re feeling stuck and frustrated in your business and life, committing to become more self actualized will shake things up. In a good way. It will bring you unimaginable growth, rewards and new opportunities. You’ll feel more optimistic and abundant. Becoming self actualized enriches your life in so many ways.
But in order to self actualize, you have to be self-aware.
It’s about being open to experiences that promote self-discovery, self-reflection and self-exploration. So it requires a bit of courage, guts and staying power. You’ve got to be willing to get out there. See things through. Know when you need to course-correct.
Part and parcel with this is getting to know and understand what’s driving your negative parts. Why you stop. Why you struggle. Learning about your shadow side. Your psychological pain points, triggers and blind spots. Absolutely essential if you’re in business.
Because your level of self-awareness determines your levels of mental and emotional agility and self-mastery. Your ability to handle the failure, set backs and curveballs that come with being in business for yourself. If you don’t do the journey of self-discovery that this requires and get rid of the negatives in your life, you’ll trip yourself up and stay stuck.
So what motivates you? What makes you want to stop? What will keep you engaged?
Self actualization is about creating from your core. It’s about discovering who you really are, and what you’re capable of doing through embracing new experiences and opportunties that usually lie outside of your cosy comfort zone. It’s about leaping into the unknown and being prepared to take a risk from time to time through trying something new.
Become Self Actualized: Put In Some Positives And Get Rid Of The Negatives
Self actualization is also about getting rid of any negativity in your outer environment. This includes spending less time with people who are silently just waiting for you to fail. Sometimes even letting them go. When you dare to forge your own path in life, you unknowingly trigger a whole range of stuff in the people around you. Feelings like envy, criticism and judgment. Particularly if you’re out there doing things that they secretly want to do. But haven’t for whatever reason.
These types of people are toxic to be around when you’re building your own business and career. Because whether you realize it or not, their negativity is impacting you on a subconscious level, draining your energy and feeding your self-doubt. You need to become aware of who these people are and how to set up solid boundaries so they’re unable to negatively impact your enthusiasm and mojo.
You become like the 3-4 people you spend the most time with.
So if you’re taking action to live your purpose, go for your dreams, and self actualize to the max, you need to constantly be mindful of who you’re hanging out with the most. Otherwise you’ll stay stuck and frustrated at your current level of growth.
You’ve got to get out there, network with an open and curious mindset and meet like-minded people. Surround yourself with positive, can-do types. When you put yourself out there in the right way, choosing to be more self actualized, good things start to happen.
Title Image by Kalen Emsley
