by Janelle Legge | Oct 17, 2017 | Podcasts
Are you wanting to find your own success and have more wellbeing, calm and zen in your life? Maybe you’re feeling that you’ve stagnated and are stuck because you just can’t seem to crack the code for your own success and inner peace? Or you find that each time you reach a certain level of change and success that life seems to throw up obstacles and situations that send you back to your old comfort zone where you’re soon feeling frustrated and disappointed with yourself because you know you’ve slipped back into old habits and negative thought patterns?
If this is something you’ve been struggling with and you’re wanting to break this repetitive cycle and get some insights into why it occurs, then listen to my conversation with Chris Shea at Lifesjourney Life Coaching in the USA. Chris recently invited me to be a guest on his Podcast “On Finding Peace” to talk about “Success is an Inside Job”, which is central to how I’ve helped my clients achieve consistent, lasting positive results and life-changing outcomes as a Psychotherapist, Business Leadership Coach and Transformational Change Consultant for the last 20 years.
Chris and I go deeply into what needs to happen for REAL change to occur, where you’re able to find your own, more satisfying version of success because you’re no longer being controlled by negative subconscious beliefs and thinking habits – many of which you don’t even know are there.
I also uncover why so many people just aren’t getting the results and transformations they’d hoped for from self-study and do-it-yourself style online personal change programs.
In this special Podcast you’ll also find out :
- Why some people struggle with MINDFULNESS and/or self-reflective style homework [which doesn’t mean that you’re a failure] and what’s needed instead.
- Why particular kinds of FOCUSED conversations are the most powerful way to rewire your brain, improve your self worth and start thinking in a SUCCESS way.
- What negative self talk REALLY is (you might be surprised) and why you need to stop listening to it for real change to occur.
And there’s much more where Chris and I share over 20 years experience of helping our clients find their own version of success and have more meaningful and fulfilling lives.
Listen to the full interview here.
by Janelle Legge | Sep 16, 2017 | Self Image
There’s nothing that will keep you from stepping into your greatness, reaching your potential and pursuing your passions without feeling guilty than taking on other people’s negative stuff.
When you’re falling short from going for what you want and getting it – it’s often because your self image was distorted growing up around self absorbed narcissistic or addictive personality types who projected their emotional baggage onto you. Making it difficult if not impossible to get a clear sense of who YOU really are and what you really want.
And until you understand the origins of what shaped your blurry and distorted self image and how it’s continuing to impact you in the present, you won’t be able to shift this faulty self-image and start getting what you really want in life. It won’t matter how many positive affirmations you say each day or how many coaching and success courses you undertake, you still won’t have a clear sense of who you are because you’ll still be subconsciously seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes.
So let’s take a look at some of the most common ways that growing up around narcissistic or addictive personality types negatively impacts your self image and undermines your self confidence and self belief so that you can get the insights you need to release your past and step into your future self:
5 Toxic Behaviours That Damage Your Self Image And Self Worth Growing Up
- You’re forced into a prescribed role as the confidante / good listener / problem solver for the narcissistic / addictive personality parent. You’re basically a parentified child. You learn to dutifully and stoically listen to all of their problems, hurts, perceived slights and frustrations. You’re basically a garbage dump for all of their emotional baggage and they feel so much better after energetically dumping all over you. But you’re then left with a frazzled nervous system and all of their angst still inside of you which takes you up to 48 hours or more to detox from your system and psyche so that you can recalibrate and get your own equilibrium back.
- You’re scapegoated, ridiculed and talked about behind your back when you don’t comply with their view of the world and how they expect you to behave. When they don’t want to hear what you have to say because they’re not needing to siphon off you emotionally, they dismiss and rubbish your opinions or advice. Putting you back where you belong in their version of the family hierarchy. Because you’re never allowed to step out of your prescribed role.
- If you’re not making them feel special and making a fuss when they expect it, you cop it. They tantrum, they cry and they tell ANYONE who’ll listen. And – you’ll keep hearing about this major disappointment for months, sometimes years after the event.
- When you’re sick or needing a bit of empathy yourself it’s nowhere to be seen because they’re not capable of tuning into anyone else’s world and needs.
- Your accomplishments are never acknowledged or celebrated unless they benefit them in some way. Your achievements are basically ignored or minimized. Because the focus always needs to be on them. Ultimately your achievements and personal evolution are seen as perceived threats to the family hierarchy that they’ve spent years shaping to suit their needs. And if the rest of the family is dysfunctional and in sync with them, they’ll see you through a similar lens. Meaning they won’t give you recognition for who you really are and will show little to no interest in your dreams, your ambitions and anything that you achieve. Particularly if you’ve chosen a path that’s different to them.
So if you’re serious about reaching your fullest potential and being the architect and builder of your own life, it’s time to release what no longer serves you {without loads of judgement and blame which lowers your vibration and keeps you stuck in a victim, done-to mode}.
You’re no longer under their spell. Right.
And if you’ve already made the life-and-destiny-changing decision to invest in your own personal growth so that your past is not determining your future life, you already know that it’s not a smooth seamless linear 6 step or 6 session process. Because that’s not how real change works. Some days you forge ahead and are impervious to any attempts to drag you back into old relational dynamics from your past, and other days you’re caught off guard and momentarily relapse. But each time you catch yourself doing this it makes you more self-aware, so it starts to happen less and less.
Lasting change is about believing in yourself and consistently backing yourself and your dreams. And not everyone’s going to like this. At times you will get a stroppy backlash because the people who are invested in you NOT changing just won’t like it. But that’s just part of the change terrain, particularly when it involves rigid unconscious family dynamics. Give other’s permission to be where they’re at, knowing that you’re looking after yourself and surrounding yourself with people that ‘get’ who you are, want you to succeed, and have the expertise and tools to help you become the person you’re meant to be.
If you don’t break these patterns they’ll get replicated in your business, your career, your relationships and other areas of your life where you’ll find yourself experiencing the same patterns again and again. You won’t make the money you deserve. You’ll keep self-sabotaging opportunities to step fully into your zone of genius and you’ll keep defaulting to people pleasing and putting everyone else’s wants and self-serving needs before your own, often without even knowing that you’re doing it. You’ll be trying to succeed based on a faulty, negative self-image that will vibe to others ‘low self-confidence and low self-regard’ no matter how polished and perfect you look on the outside.
Success is always first and foremost an inside job. Your self image is constantly shaping and determining the results that you get, whether you like it or not. High self-worth, healthy positive self-regard and self-belief are essential for reaching YOUR GREATEST POTENTIAL and fully stepping into what you’re been sent here to do.
by Janelle Legge | Jul 22, 2017 | Self Actualization
Being creative, innovative and developing your own individualistic style are core self-actualizing mindsets and behaviours. They take commitment and self belief.
It’s almost impossible to self-actualize, reach your highest potential and thrive when you’re constantly looking over your shoulder to see what everyone else is doing and then judging yourself in relation to this and adjusting your behaviour accordingly. Causing you to just blend in with everyone else. It’s one of the biggest distractions and blocks to connecting with and cultivating your creativity. It’s also one of the biggest things that will hold you back and keep you stuck at your current level.
Not honouring your creative self eventually leads to unhappiness, frustration and boredom.
If you’re feeling disconnected from your imagination and own inspirations and creative ideas, then it’s likely that your creativity was shut down at some stage. Maybe for you this happened when you were growing up? Parents and teachers can unknowingly squash the natural exuberance and creativity that children love to display, particularly if it’s triggering their own disowned spontaneous, creative and more individualistic selves.
This can play out in many different ways. The ambitious parent who was never allowed to pursue their own creative interests growing up gets annoyed and critical when they see their own child expressing similar desires and discourages their creative efforts – without even realizing this is happening. The frustrated artist who begrudgingly teaches for a living because they can’t survive off their artwork alone, unintentionally criticizes and squashes the natural talents of a gifted student.
Or maybe it’s happened in your professional life? A common scenario here can be the toxic, envious colleague who sends personally attacking feedback on a presentation you made because it didn’t fit with their idea of how you should have ‘done it’. Or being bullied or stonewalled in the workplace because it’s a ‘tall poppy syndrome’ culture where anyone who displays vitality, innovation and creative potential gets stripped down.
Creativity can get shut down and stifled for a whole range of reasons.
If someone’s criticized or attacked your creative efforts in the past and it’s been keeping you stuck, then it’s time to leave those experiences behind and start telling yourself a new story around this.
Connecting back to your childhood is a potent way to reconnect with your creative, uncensored self.
Here’s an example of what I mean by this. Growing up, I loved playing out in nature and creating make believe places using nature as my props. My grandparents had a beautiful big willow tree in their garden and we had a huge pine tree and gum trees in our backyard at home. I also loved dressing up with friends and being in school plays and did Art all through school. So for me, being out in beautiful nature and being around anything to do with art and performance are potent ways to reconnect with my creative side.
Self-Actualizing Mindsets – Self Reflective Practice
Create some space and time to reflect on what you most enjoyed doing as a child.
How did you like to express yourself through creativity and play?
Where did you like to play growing up?
What were your favourite games?
How did you best like to express yourself, your ideas and your imagination?
Patterns such as suppressing creative self-expression, people pleasing, always comparing yourself to others and being overly outer-focused instead of inner-focused get passed down through generations.
Until you decide to break the pattern and start doing life on your own terms.
Where do you need to lead more and have the courage to express yourself in ways that your authentic self can shine through?
Are your environments supporting your creative self-expression or do you need to surround yourself with new, more like-minded people who want you to succeed?
When you honour and invest in your creative self and develop your own unique style, you inspire others to do so as well.
by Janelle Legge | Jul 15, 2017 | Self Actualization
One of the stand out traits of successful people is having the self-confidence and self-belief that you can shape your environment so that it supports you and works for you.
Knowing you can influence your environment in positive ways is one of the top self actualizing mindsets that leads to personal fulfilment and career and life success.
You’re also able to better empower others and support their success.
Feeling powerless to change your environment and circumstances comes from your past. It’s usually an indicator that you’re holding onto old beliefs around fear, security and power that you absorbed growing up.
If you’re not feeling satisfied with your life, your work or your environment, then do something to change it.
Self actualizing mindsets and behaviours are key to positive change and feeling capable and confident in the world.
Believe in your potential to grow. Try something new each day.
The fastest way to shift your self image and build self confidence is through real life experiences that empower you and show you what you’re capable of achieving.
by Janelle Legge | Jul 8, 2017 | How to achieve real change
Real change is hard to achieve and sustain. As a consultant and coach, I regularly hear people beating up on themselves for falling short when it comes to achieving long-term sustainable positive change. I think we’ve all done this at different times! Because most of us know first-hand that real change is hard.
The good news is we’re all capable of change and making it last – when we get out of our own way and ask for help.
That’s when our mindset, habits and beliefs can genuinely shift. It’s actually misguided, faulty thinking to believe we can change long-term engrained beliefs and habits on our own in isolation.
Taking the step to ask for help is always a turning point and game changer when it comes to personal transformation.
Just being aware that lapsing back into old, unproductive habits is part of being human and how our brains are wired is powerful in itself. A huge percentage of our daily actions and thoughts are driven by the unconscious automatic parts of our brain that regularly override the new thoughts, beliefs and habits we’re trying to instil. It takes time and sustained effort to become aware of what’s driving us on a more subconscious level and then change it.
One of the most well-known executive coaches in the world Marshall Goldsmith has found that it takes around 18 months for real change to occur in adults (and we’re talking about high-performing business people here) because whenever we decide to change, life has a way of intervening. Change is never a clear, uninterrupted and linear process. There are always disruptions along the way so you need to be adaptable, flexible and committed to the process.
I’ve also found that clients willing to commit to 12 months and beyond achieve far more lasting change than those who expect a silver bullet 6 week approach to change beliefs and behaviours they’ve spent the last 30+ years wiring into their brains and nervous systems on a daily basis.
Real change takes time. We often lose sight of this fact because there’s so much hype on the internet around passion and purpose and quick fix promises to success and happiness. There’s not nearly enough reality-check information around how to sustain your energy, focus and commitment when you’re feeling tired, depleted and out-of-love with your purpose and new goals. Because that’s the kind of terrain that real change involves.
So be kind and patient with yourself and ask for the support you need. Set yourself up for success. Don’t try and do it all on your own.
